4
I went back to the villa again.
But after that day, I could no longer feel her presence.
I started to remember many things.
My mom was dissatisfied with Zoe and afraid I would end up with a girl like her again, so she strongly pushed for me to be with Vivian.
That day, I had been drinking with friends. When I got home, she suddenly came into my room.
Like a rain–soaked rabbit, red–eyed, clearly not understanding anything, yet daring to unbutton my shirt.
At that moment I thought:
See, Mom and Dad hoped for her to be with me, so she really came.
That night, she must have been very scared. She kept trembling, then later, she kept crying.
D
3:02 PM
<
That night, she must have been very scared. She kept trembling, then later, she kept crying.
Later I proposed to her.
Her expression was very complicated – shock, hesitation, doubt.
But no joy at all.
So I thought she didn’t want to marry me.
So I said those words that, every time I recall them now, fill me with regret and pain.
I didn’t expect it would become a self–fulfilling prophecy.
The next day, I went to the study wanting to sort out some important things, but found a thick sketchbook in the corner of the shelf.
I opened it. Before Vivian came, my childhood was actually very lonely. I spent most of my time lying around drawing by myself.
After she came, I turned the sketchbook into a diary.
Recording everything related to her.
In college I found this sketchbook again and casually added a couple entries.
I closed the book, about to put it back, when I suddenly glimpsed some fresh handwriting on the back: I’m sorry.
It was Vivian’s handwriting.
My hand suddenly trembled.
She had seen it?
Did she commit suicide because she saw this diary?
From a young age, I was required to be a person who met standards.
So even though I felt this adopted girl had stolen my family’s care and love, even though I disliked her and didn’t want her around, I still had to play the role of a good brother, taking care of her, protecting her.
My parents didn’t allow me to have a temper or selfish desires. When I was little, if I just broke a toy, they would look at me with
disappointment.
Later I met Zoe and found commonalities with her.
She had a mother who favored sons over daughters. Her brother had leukemia but they couldn’t afford treatment, so she voluntarily became the mistress of a married man, asking him for money to give to her mother for her brother’s treatment.
Once I saw her after she finished a call with her family. The moment she hung up, a look of disgust flashed across her face and she softly said it would be better if they just died.
She turned and saw me, looking shocked but not knowing how to explain.
Later her brother really did die. She was freed, and also broke up with that man.
But rumors spread around school. Photos of her entering and leaving hotels with that older man were passed around everywhere.
She explained he was her uncle, but no one believed her.
For a girl with such a bad reputation, any closeness with men would spark gossip.
This time I was the male lead in the rumors.
The moment my mom angrily accused me, I suddenly felt very tired.
3:03 PM C
<
The moment my mom angry accused me, I suddenly felt very urea.
So very, very tired.
She said she would rather I be with Vivian. I laughed, “If you like her so much, why don’t you marry her yourselves?”
My mom slapped me.
Vivian followed behind me, wanting to speak but not daring to.
D
“My parents live so far away, how would they know about me and Zoe?” I looked down at her coldly. “Do you only know how to use my parents
to force me?”
Vivian hurriedly explained it wasn’t her.
And indeed it wasn’t her.
It was just a professor at school who was close to my mom.
But I didn’t apologize to Vivian. At that time… I really didn’t want to see her.
Somehow a new man had appeared by her side – Ryan from the medical school.
I had never seen her so interested in any other man before.
Every day at lunch she would eat with him in the cafeteria, happily bringing him big bags of snacks. She even asked me while browsing shopping websites, “What brand of razor do you guys usually use?”
I glanced at her and asked why she was asking.
She stammered that she was asking for her roommate.
But in reality, I saw her give Ryan a razor along with a bag of fruit. She even touched her own chin, telling him to be more refined.
At that moment, I felt a shock of anger that surprised even myself.
Perhaps all those days of not accepting her, of reluctantly taking care of her against my will, had already been slowly worn away by her.
From the moment she cried and hugged me over that dead cat, I realized I didn’t actually dislike her that much.
She was the only place in this family where I could breathe.
But she didn’t know how stubborn I was, didn’t know how contrary a childish little boy could be.
Until her death, she thought I hated her.
Until her death, she thought I loved Zoe.
What must she have been feeling when she wrote those four words?
All the pain I had deliberately hidden, all the details of how I had hurt and failed her that I had deliberately avoided, her enduring the agony of cancer and the fear of impending death alone – it all came crashing over me like a tidal wave.
I fell to my knees, clutching that diary, and curled up crying like a child.
I finally went to that sea. I had been too afraid to come before.
I was afraid of remembering what she looked like when she died.
Standing on the shore, the salty sea breeze blew across my face. The blue waves rippled endlessly, giving me a nauseating sense of
dizziness.
Ever since being swept away by waves at age six and nearly drowning Thad suffered from seasickness
3:03 PM
<
Ever since being swept away by waves at age six and nearly drowning, I had suffered from seasickness.
And Vivian had died right here in the sea.
The waves lapped at my feet, as if guiding me towards a deeper resting place.
One step.
Two steps.
The last thing she saw before she died was the fireworks photo I posted on social media.
I just thought those beautiful fireworks were similar to the Northern Lights she wanted to see.
But I didn’t expect Zoe to like the post.
M
After that, in her heart, it became a romantic moment between me and Zoe.
As the sea level got closer and closer, a phone call startled me awake.
When I came to my senses, the water had already reached my waist.
I picked up my phone. It was my mom.
I answered the call, covering the mouthpiece to prevent her from hearing the wind and waves. “What’s wrong?”
My mom’s voice sounded tired. “The seashell suddenly fell on the floor while I was sleeping and woke me up. I suddenly wanted to call you. When will you be home? What do you want for dinner?”
Seashell?
I paused.
That’s right, she still had her beloved family that I needed to take care of.
“What’s that sound on your end? Are you at the beach?” my mom asked suspiciously.
“No,” I said, my voice a bit hoarse. “I’ll be right home.”
5
A few days later.
I received a call. The voice on the other end sounded hesitant. “Brother, it’s me.”
“There’s something I probably need to tell you.”
“We ran into your wife at a bar before. She had lost so much weight, I didn’t dare to approach her.”
“We had been drinking and suddenly started talking about you.”
“That guy 11 blurted out some drunk talk you said in England. He said you were tired of being with your wife, fed up and stuff like that. Your wife seemed really upset after hearing it and left quickly.”
“Later when I heard the news of her death, I felt terrible. After thinking it over, I decided I should tell you about that day!”
I hung up the phone and lowered my eyes.
So this was the reason she decided to leave.
She would never know that I had returned that time to propose to her.
I really was tired.
<
“We ran into your wife at a bar before. She had lost so much weight, I didn’t dare to approach her.”
“We had been drinking and suddenly started talking about you.”
“That guy 11 blurted out some drunk talk you said in England. He said you were tired of being with your wife, fed up and stuff like that. Your wife seemed really upset after hearing it and left quickly.”
“Later when I heard the news of her death, I felt terrible. After thinking it over, I decided I should tell you about that day.”
I hung up the phone and lowered my eyes.
So this was the reason she decided to leave.
She would never know that I had returned that time to propose to her.
I really was tired.
I was tired of always standing behind them, endlessly jealous. Tired of our superficial relationship, tired of us wearing each other down.
I wanted to ask if she was willing to marry me, willing to have a wedding with me in England.
But she had moved all her things out, then asked me for a breakup.
I always thought she liked Ryan.
Her friendship with Ryan had lasted for ten years.
If not for her relationship with me, if not for my parents, they probably would have gotten together long ago.
So when she asked me for a breakup, I naturally assumed she was leaving me to be with Ryan.
Only now did I understand how much disappointment in me she had accumulated.
That time when Zoe caught a cold, I draped my coat over her shoulders.
I did see the dimness in Vivian’s eyes, but I deliberately ignored it.
Because the night before, I had run into her and Ryan at the sports arena. Ryan had scored a goal and she cheered excitedly.
At that moment, I was very jealous.
My hand could no longer play basketball due to nerve damage, yet she went to watch someone else play.
When her legs went weak and she steadied herself on my arm, I even mocked her.
To make me give in, she often pretended to be sick or unwell when she was young.
But I should have known, ever since that time she tricked me with a fake suicide attempt, she never dared joke about her health again. Even when she was really sick, she didn’t dare tell me.
While I was taking care of Zoe, she was hiding alone, enduring the pain brought by cancer.
Ryan was right.
I really didn’t deserve her.
1 didn’t even deserve to die with her.
She must have hated me.
That’s why in the last words she left behind, she thought of everyone else, but there wasn’t a single sentence about me.
